Feeling Alone and Out-of-Sorts???

I'm starting to think that I'm paranoid.

But maybe my paranoia has some basis. Lately I've been feeling alone. Like, I'm all alone. Like I'm all alone in this world without another soul or person to connect to.

Well, the not being connected part I've been feeling for a long time.

It's been many years since I've actually felt connected to someone... that person, long ago, was a guy I used to be really-good-friends-with-yet-we-were-not-involved with. That relationship, although it was great at times, was a bit confusing, and unfortunately (long story short) it had to come to an end. You know, drama, drama, drama...

Anyways, ever since then, I have been dealing with this big void in my system. The void of needing to be close to someone (just as a friend) and I'm not having any luck finding someone like that. Sure, I have friends, but they already have best friends, or boyfriends or husbands, and they are close to each other already. Or they don't answer the phone when you call them (rrrrr). I feel like all of my bestest/closest friends from the past have come and gone, and I haven't been successful in establishing at least one new friendship that meets my crazy need to have someone to be close to and talk to all of the time.

I must admit - the last almost 7 years have been really tough for me. I've struggled with weight gain and the learning to deal with how volatile my endocrine system has become; I've lost count of how many people I don't talk to or hang out with anymore (due to various reasons); and every year I get older, I stay boyfriendless and childless (not too upset by the childlessness, though). I feel like people are constantly moving away from me - moving in all kinds of directions: either to a new job, a new state, or even towards new people. Hence the paranoia.

And my life is stagnant. Same job, same cat, same endocrine problem (with no improvement), same everything. I did have 3 major changes in my life this year: I finished my Master's degree, I got a new car, and I moved into a new place.

So why aren't these things good enough? It's progress, right?

But it's not the progress I want. I want to be a writer. I want a close friend. And I want to fix my endocrine system. But these things aren't happening, and all of the other things are.

Or - All of the things that I'm DYING to have happen aren't happening. I'm DYING for a career change. I'm DYING for my health to improve.

And honestly, I'm not DYING for a best friend or a boyfriend, but to be close to someone other than an animal who's only words are "Meow" would be helpful.

All of these things are contributing to the void. And the paranoia.

Ok. So the things that I want to happen aren't happening. But unfortunately - I'm just at a point where I can't handle it anymore. I feel like I'm going to explode. Literally. I'm going to combust.

So there are a few ways to deal with this problem - kill yourself (hmmm... all pain goes away... but blood on the carpet and on the cat is not cool and wrist cutting hurts... and you are too cowardly to do it... so that's not an option)... or give up on everything (hmmm... being an unemployed fat bum with a cat on the road is not cool either... how will you eat?) or...

Deal with it? Ok. So that's what I've been doing. And I'm not doing a good job of that. I'm drowning. And I don't know how much longer I can stay afloat.

I don't know what to do. My frustration and impatience feels like it's coming to a head... really, I don't know what to do.