Last night was an interesting night for me. I'm not going to go into to many details about what happened, but basically, I had a meltdown of sorts. Mostly about the things that are going on in my life. It's a bit of story, and since the story is pretty long and because I don't feel like writing it all out, I'll just talk about one of the issues that caused me to get upset.
Here it is - I don't like being single.
Yeah, I said it. I don't like being single.
I've always been a person who has wanted to be in a relationship, however. I've often dreamed about finding true love and spending the rest of my life with that one person - forever (ultimately, I long for commitment). And who hasn't? I believe that the majority of people in this world want the same thing. Oddly enough, I know of at least 2 people who don't want that at all (they just want to be single), but that's a different story for a different day.
So yes... I dream about falling in love with "the one" and being happy. Yet I am single. And here's where it gets puzzling - falling in love is something that I really want, yet... I am currently doing nothing to get out there and meet this person (whomever he is).
I know. WTF.
So you ask... how can you want a boyfriend and want to fall madly in love with someone, but not be interested in making the effort in finding that person?
Hmmm. WTF, again, indeed.
Well, let's start off my explanation with this - I'm a weird person by nature. Actually, one of my co-workers labeled me as "quirky", which I guess is a friendlier word for weird or eccentric, but it's true. Part of my "quirkiness" comes from being an anal retentive, picky, OCD flag flying Virgo. Ha ha ha. I have a lot of little quirks that make up who I am, and some of these quirks extend over to dating. What are my dating quirks, you might ask?
Actually, I just have one really big one - I don't like to date.
Yes... I don't like to date. I don't like going on dates. Dates to me are a waste of time. Yes, you may get a free meal out of it, but to me, dating is like going out shopping and trying on lots of sweaters until you find one that fits. I get tired of trying on sweaters sometimes. It's exhausting. Especially when the sweaters don't fit properly. Yeesh. So why would I put in the effort into trying on sweaters but not into dating? Because it's against the LAW for me to walk around naked. But however, it's not against the law for me to be single. So there you go. LOL.
Sidebar - if you don't like dating, how do you expect to meet someone? Good question. I prefer to meet men though friends (even though my friends don't have many guy friends) doing friendly stuff, or I would prefer to meet someone kind of by running into them (yet, I don't get out of my apartment too much). And for the record - I don't like or participate in online dating. WTF again, for the third time. So I've literally narrowed my chances down to practically ZERO in meeting someone. Hmmm. I might just be single... until the end of time. Dr. Phil was right... some man would have to throw himself on the hood of my car in order for me to meet him. WTF, forever and ever.
Also, like I mentioned earlier, I am picky. Scratch that - I am VERY picky. I don't like anyone. Most guys I meet I take a look at and shrug my shoulders. Even with the cute ones. For some reason, I'm just not interested. Most people can look at someone, find them casually interesting, and go out on dates with them. Not me. I very rarely have a casual interest in anyone. Either I'm attracted to you or I'm not. I'm kind of an all or nothing person. It's a crappy personality characteristic to have in trying to find a mate, but it is what it is.
And then, here's where more pickiness and more "quirkiness" comes in. I have a very particular type. I usually like guys that are tall and skinny with dark hair and dark eyes (although I seem to attract a lot of fair headed, blue eyed guys). But then again, I've found myself attracted to guys that are short and stocky. It's confusing. Sometimes I'll see my type and not find them attractive. And then other times, I see them, and get really excited. It's weird. I can't explain it. I don't necessarily follow a pattern, even though I have a type. Ugh. Talk about frustrating.
But the biggest reason why I am single? I DON'T WANT TO SETTLE. I've settled in the past, and let me tell you, when I've done that, I've ended up disappointed. There is nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone who isn't good enough or right for you. I'd rather spend the rest of my life alone than spend it in a relationship with someone who sucks, treats me bad, doesn't like Game of Thrones (lol), has mommy issues, etc. So many people settle, and I swear, they just end up sad and lonely. Some people are afraid to be alone, and when you get involved with someone for that reason, you always end up disappointed and worse off than you were before. I feel sorry for people who do this. Fearing loneliness is no way to live your life.
There are other reasons why I am single as well, but those are the biggest ones. I don't like to date, I'm picky and I don't want to settle. And honestly, I haven't met anyone in the last few years that I've felt was worth dating. Also, as adults get older, it gets harder to meet people. The easiest place to meet someone would be at a bar, where lots of adults spend their time, but since I'd rather DIE than meet someone at a place like that, I'm a bit shit out of luck. Sure, there's other places to meet people, say like the bookstore, or the grocery store, or exercise class, but I live in suburbia. Most of the people who frequent these places are married with children. The city (where most singles dwell) is only 30 minutes away, but there is traffic, and then you have to find a place to park, and then spend money you don't have... ya ya ya. I could make the effort to frequent DC more often, but money and parking can be an issue sometimes.
The hardest thing about being single is not exactly being single itself, but the HOSTILITY I get from people who don't understand or can't accept the fact that I am single. It's frustrating. It's like, everyone thinks that if you aren't in a relationship that there is something wrong with you. "Why don't you want/have a boyfriend? Why don't you like dating? You are a decent looking person? Surely you could find someone? WHY ARE YOU SINGLE?!?!?"
These questions irritate me more than me being alone!
I wish people would just let me be. Yes, I want to find someone, but I want to find the right person. And it's not easy when you are picky and don't like to date. However, being hostile towards me over my CHOICE to be alone for now is not going to make me run out and find someone. Chill out. All anyone is doing when they are asking me these asinine questions is PISSING me off. Rrrrr, and I hate being pissed off. Why is it such a big deal? Why are people frustrated with me for being single?
I don't think I'll ever know the answer. I may find someone eventually. Or maybe I won't. It's up to me to certain extent whether I can make it happen or not (I say certain extent because you can't force someone to be with you). Yes, I want a boyfriend, and yes I do not want to spend eternity alone. But I'm going to find someone the way I want to find them and in the time frame that I feel is appropriate for me.
So please, get off of my back. Please let me live my life the way I want to live my life. I make efforts not to dictate to people how they should live theirs, so why can't people do that for me?
Ok. I'm off my soapbox.
PS - There's one other reason I left out in why I am single. I rarely get asked out. I've never had a lot of suitors come my way. I've gone years without being asked out on a date, and I was 27 years old the last time someone asked me out on one. I did however have a friend set me up on a blind date when I was 29, and I thought that it went well... but I never heard from the guy again. So it's been awhile. There's more to the story in why I have been dateless for the last 6 1/2 years, but that's another story for another day...
PPS - I've never been on a third date with anyone. Ever. I guess I've been lucky enough to make it to a second with one or two guys, but never a third. Oh well :(
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