It's been a long time

It's been a while since I've blogged (about 5 months... wow). I've had some interesting shake ups in my life that have been keeping me from writing and blogging. I'll go through them quick.

• I've been preoccupied with some personal issues
• I got a new job, lost it and have been upset about it since
• I haven't really talked to a lot of my friends
• I've been a bit lonely
• Life is WEIRD

That's basically what's been going on with me. 

Just when I thought life couldn't get any weirder or stranger, it did. Over the last 5 months, I thought that I was going insane. My personal life got weird, my professional life got weird, my family life got strained... YIKES.

Unfortunately at this point in time in my life, I am unemployed. It sucks big time, but it is what it is.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. I DEFINITELY needed the time off. I had been looking to spending my days just chilling and hanging out for so long, it wasn't funny.

I do have some money to fall back on (whew), so I should be ok in the long run.

For now, I'm just enjoying not working and figuring out why my cable does not work. I've called Verizon so many times that it's not even funny. 

Perhaps I can explain more in the future. Know for now that I am ok, and will be ok until about the end of the year.

Until then... who knows? Maybe I'll take another European vacation, maybe I'll finish my novel... who knows? 

I look forward to my future journey. And will enjoy spending my free time on my couch :)

My nervousness about my upcoming U.K. trip

So... for the first time in my life this upcoming Sunday, I will be going on my first international trip. On the one hand, I'm really excited to see places that I've never been before! I can't wait to see all of the landmarks in the United Kingdom that I've only seen on television up close and personal. It's going to be great.

On the other hand... I'm EXTREMELY nervous about my trip.

Why, might you ask? Let's see:

• For the first time in my life, I'm going to be considered a foreigner. Not that it's bad to be a foreigner, it's just that it's going to be weird to be in a place where no one sounds like me.
• Secondly, I'm afraid that my luggage is going to get lost!
• Thirdly, I'm worried about not having enough money. The British pound is $1.70 for every American dollar. WTF.
• And lastly, I guess... I'm afraid that I'm going to get lost, miss my flight and lose my passport.

So there you have it... my fears.

I shouldn't be worried, right? It's not like they don't speak English in the U.K., lol. 

Perhaps maybe my biggest fear is that after 9 months of planning out the most exciting vacation that I am about to take in my life thus far... I'm afraid that I won't have a good time.

Hmmm. How can I not have a good time? My friends will be with me. I get free room and board in Wigan when I stay there. George Clooney will be getting married in London while I'm there. And I may be able to (schedules permitting) stop off at the University of Oxford and possibly get a glimpse of Prince William and Kate Middleton. 

Yeah. That sure as hell sounds like a bunch of things to be afraid of. Perhaps I should just calm down.

I will, I guess. Perhaps when I'm finally on the plane.

I'm going to try and stay active on Twitter and Instagram, so that I can post pics whenever I can. So for all 3 of my blog followers, you will see that I probably didn't have anything to worry about in the first place.

And that I really am, having a good time overseas.

PS - My birthday is on Monday, September 1st. And I'll be in Scotland, having a pint. That doesn't sound so bad, right? Cheers!

Why my being single isn't your problem

Last night was an interesting night for me. I'm not going to go into to many details about what happened, but basically, I had a meltdown of sorts. Mostly about the things that are going on in my life. It's a bit of story, and since the story is pretty long and because I don't feel like writing it all out, I'll just talk about one of the issues that caused me to get upset.

Here it is - I don't like being single.

Yeah, I said it. I don't like being single. 

I've always been a person who has wanted to be in a relationship, however. I've often dreamed about finding true love and spending the rest of my life with that one person - forever (ultimately, I long for commitment). And who hasn't? I believe that the majority of people in this world want the same thing. Oddly enough, I know of at least 2 people who don't want that at all (they just want to be single), but that's a different story for a different day.

So yes... I dream about falling in love with "the one" and being happy. Yet I am single. And here's where it gets puzzling - falling in love is something that I really want, yet... I am currently doing nothing to get out there and meet this person (whomever he is).

I know. WTF.

So you ask... how can you want a boyfriend and want to fall madly in love with someone, but not be interested in making the effort in finding that person?

Hmmm. WTF, again, indeed. 

Well, let's start off my explanation with this - I'm a weird person by nature. Actually, one of my co-workers labeled me as "quirky", which I guess is a friendlier word for weird or eccentric, but it's true. Part of my "quirkiness" comes from being an anal retentive, picky, OCD flag flying Virgo. Ha ha ha. I have a lot of little quirks that make up who I am, and some of these quirks extend over to dating. What are my dating quirks, you might ask?

Actually, I just have one really big one - I don't like to date. 

Yes... I don't like to date. I don't like going on dates. Dates to me are a waste of time. Yes, you may get a free meal out of it, but to me, dating is like going out shopping and trying on lots of sweaters until you find one that fits. I get tired of trying on sweaters sometimes. It's exhausting. Especially when the sweaters don't fit properly. Yeesh. So why would I put in the effort into trying on sweaters but not into dating? Because it's against the LAW for me to walk around naked. But however, it's not against the law for me to be single. So there you go. LOL.

Sidebar - if you don't like dating, how do you expect to meet someone? Good question. I prefer to meet men though friends (even though my friends don't have many guy friends) doing friendly stuff, or I would prefer to meet someone kind of by running into them (yet, I don't get out of my apartment too much). And for the record - I don't like or participate in online dating. WTF again, for the third time. So I've literally narrowed my chances down to practically ZERO in meeting someone. Hmmm. I might just be single... until the end of time. Dr. Phil was right... some man would have to throw himself on the hood of my car in order for me to meet him. WTF, forever and ever.

Also, like I mentioned earlier, I am picky. Scratch that - I am VERY picky. I don't like anyone. Most guys I meet I take a look at and shrug my shoulders. Even with the cute ones. For some reason, I'm just not interested. Most people can look at someone, find them casually interesting, and go out on dates with them. Not me. I very rarely have a casual interest in anyone. Either I'm attracted to you or I'm not. I'm kind of an all or nothing person. It's a crappy personality characteristic to have in trying to find a mate, but it is what it is.

And then, here's where more pickiness and more "quirkiness" comes in. I have a very particular type. I usually like guys that are tall and skinny with dark hair and dark eyes (although I seem to attract a lot of fair headed, blue eyed guys). But then again, I've found myself attracted to guys that are short and stocky. It's confusing. Sometimes I'll see my type and not find them attractive. And then other times, I see them, and get really excited. It's weird. I can't explain it. I don't necessarily follow a pattern, even though I have a type. Ugh. Talk about frustrating.

But the biggest reason why I am single? I DON'T WANT TO SETTLE. I've settled in the past, and let me tell you, when I've done that, I've ended up disappointed. There is nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone who isn't good enough or right for you. I'd rather spend the rest of my life alone than spend it in a relationship with someone who sucks, treats me bad, doesn't like Game of Thrones (lol), has mommy issues, etc. So many people settle, and I swear, they just end up sad and lonely. Some people are afraid to be alone, and when you get involved with someone for that reason, you always end up disappointed and worse off than you were before. I feel sorry for people who do this. Fearing loneliness is no way to live your life.

There are other reasons why I am single as well, but those are the biggest ones. I don't like to date, I'm picky and I don't want to settle. And honestly, I haven't met anyone in the last few years that I've felt was worth dating. Also, as adults get older, it gets harder to meet people. The easiest place to meet someone would be at a bar, where lots of adults spend their time, but since I'd rather DIE than meet someone at a place like that, I'm a bit shit out of luck. Sure, there's other places to meet people, say like the bookstore, or the grocery store, or exercise class, but I live in suburbia. Most of the people who frequent these places are married with children. The city (where most singles dwell) is only 30 minutes away, but there is traffic, and then you have to find a place to park, and then spend money you don't have... ya ya ya. I could make the effort to frequent DC more often, but money and parking can be an issue sometimes.

The hardest thing about being single is not exactly being single itself, but the HOSTILITY I get from people who don't understand or can't accept the fact that I am single. It's frustrating. It's like, everyone thinks that if you aren't in a relationship that there is something wrong with you. "Why don't you want/have a boyfriend? Why don't you like dating? You are a decent looking person? Surely you could find someone? WHY ARE YOU SINGLE?!?!?" 

These questions irritate me more than me being alone!

I wish people would just let me be. Yes, I want to find someone, but I want to find the right person. And it's not easy when you are picky and don't like to date. However, being hostile towards me over my CHOICE to be alone for now is not going to make me run out and find someone. Chill out. All anyone is doing when they are asking me these asinine questions is PISSING me off. Rrrrr, and I hate being pissed off. Why is it such a big deal? Why are people frustrated with me for being single?

I don't think I'll ever know the answer. I may find someone eventually. Or maybe I won't. It's up to me to certain extent whether I can make it happen or not (I say certain extent because you can't force someone to be with you). Yes, I want a boyfriend, and yes I do not want to spend eternity alone. But I'm going to find someone the way I want to find them and in the time frame that I feel is appropriate for me. 

So please, get off of my back. Please let me live my life the way I want to live my life. I make efforts not to dictate to people how they should live theirs, so why can't people do that for me?

Ok. I'm off my soapbox.

PS - There's one other reason I left out in why I am single. I rarely get asked out. I've never had a lot of suitors come my way. I've gone years without being asked out on a date, and I was 27 years old the last time someone asked me out on one. I did however have a friend set me up on a blind date when I was 29, and I thought that it went well... but I never heard from the guy again. So it's been awhile. There's more to the story in why I have been dateless for the last 6 1/2 years, but that's another story for another day...

PPS - I've never been on a third date with anyone. Ever. I guess I've been lucky enough to make it to a second with one or two guys, but never a third. Oh well :(

About Yesterday

My post yesterday reflected the real source of my anger and frustration in my life after many years of trying move forward, with no results. It has been an eye opener.

I am calmer today, I guess. But the stagnation in my life right now is very overwhelming. I'm having a hard time dealing with it.

But there's a light at the end of the tunnel, right?

Feeling Alone and Out-of-Sorts???

I'm starting to think that I'm paranoid.

But maybe my paranoia has some basis. Lately I've been feeling alone. Like, I'm all alone. Like I'm all alone in this world without another soul or person to connect to.

Well, the not being connected part I've been feeling for a long time.

It's been many years since I've actually felt connected to someone... that person, long ago, was a guy I used to be really-good-friends-with-yet-we-were-not-involved with. That relationship, although it was great at times, was a bit confusing, and unfortunately (long story short) it had to come to an end. You know, drama, drama, drama...

Anyways, ever since then, I have been dealing with this big void in my system. The void of needing to be close to someone (just as a friend) and I'm not having any luck finding someone like that. Sure, I have friends, but they already have best friends, or boyfriends or husbands, and they are close to each other already. Or they don't answer the phone when you call them (rrrrr). I feel like all of my bestest/closest friends from the past have come and gone, and I haven't been successful in establishing at least one new friendship that meets my crazy need to have someone to be close to and talk to all of the time.

I must admit - the last almost 7 years have been really tough for me. I've struggled with weight gain and the learning to deal with how volatile my endocrine system has become; I've lost count of how many people I don't talk to or hang out with anymore (due to various reasons); and every year I get older, I stay boyfriendless and childless (not too upset by the childlessness, though). I feel like people are constantly moving away from me - moving in all kinds of directions: either to a new job, a new state, or even towards new people. Hence the paranoia.

And my life is stagnant. Same job, same cat, same endocrine problem (with no improvement), same everything. I did have 3 major changes in my life this year: I finished my Master's degree, I got a new car, and I moved into a new place.

So why aren't these things good enough? It's progress, right?

But it's not the progress I want. I want to be a writer. I want a close friend. And I want to fix my endocrine system. But these things aren't happening, and all of the other things are.

Or - All of the things that I'm DYING to have happen aren't happening. I'm DYING for a career change. I'm DYING for my health to improve.

And honestly, I'm not DYING for a best friend or a boyfriend, but to be close to someone other than an animal who's only words are "Meow" would be helpful.

All of these things are contributing to the void. And the paranoia.

Ok. So the things that I want to happen aren't happening. But unfortunately - I'm just at a point where I can't handle it anymore. I feel like I'm going to explode. Literally. I'm going to combust.

So there are a few ways to deal with this problem - kill yourself (hmmm... all pain goes away... but blood on the carpet and on the cat is not cool and wrist cutting hurts... and you are too cowardly to do it... so that's not an option)... or give up on everything (hmmm... being an unemployed fat bum with a cat on the road is not cool either... how will you eat?) or...

Deal with it? Ok. So that's what I've been doing. And I'm not doing a good job of that. I'm drowning. And I don't know how much longer I can stay afloat.

I don't know what to do. My frustration and impatience feels like it's coming to a head... really, I don't know what to do.

So... do you have a boyfriend?

Out of all of the questions in life that I hate being asked, this has to be number one. "Do you have a boyfriend?" someone will ask. And then I give the reply that I've been giving EVERYONE since my ex-boyfriend Dominic and I broke up right before high school graduation. "Of course not."

Then, the inevitable questions follow. "Why not?" "Are you dating?" "Why haven't you gone on Match.com?" "When are you going to meet someone?" "Seriously, why are you SINGLE???????"

I could go on and on. Yes, it's true. I haven't had an actual boyfriend since I was 17 years old. I have tried, and tried and tried to put myself out there, look cute, wear heels, and smile for the masses of guys that I have encountered since then. And, of course, the results have always been the same: no boyfriend.

Now, I have dated a few guys. And all of those relationships turned out Disaterous with a capital D. I don't know if it's just bad luck or what, but most of the guys I have liked have had racist parents (forcing them to run away fast in the other direction), were crushing on someone else at the time or liked me and would just simply not ask me out. That last one seems to happen to me the most frequent.

I have had two great loves in my life. I knew that both of these guys really liked me. Even my friends and their friends and their parents and the whole world for that matter knew that both of these guys really liked me. They flirted with me, drove me around in their cars, bought me food, laughed and joked with me... the whole nine yards. Yet they never asked me out. They never wanted me to be their girlfriend. Actually, they both tended to ask me to hang out with them when their girlfriends were "busy" (another story for another day). I guess the only thing that I could be in their book was "the other woman", a thankless title and position that I knew I was better than. Unfortunately, I had to say goodbye as a result. It hurt like hell. And I cried a lot. But I moved on. Sort of.

The best (and longest) relationship I ever had was with a guy named John, who I dated for a few months back in 2005. The relationship lasted 3 months. Yeah. That's how long my relationships last. He was a good guy. A bit of a depressed drunk, but a good guy. We always had good, lively conversations. He bought me 4 martinis once. We both liked to read. And we both liked movies. And that's where the things we had in common stopped. I think he's currently married to the girl he dated right after me. Just my luck.

I've never been lucky in love. Perhaps it's because I'm a black female dating mostly white guys in a world where that's mostly frowned upon. Most guys don't want to deal with the discrimination and rejection that they would have to put up with dating someone who isn't white, or who wouldn't be culturally more accepted, like an Asian or Hispanic woman. Or maybe it's because I'm intimidating. I am smart. I have my own money. I have a Master's degree and a good job. And I don't take crap from anyone, especially a man.

Or maybe it's because I'm looking in the wrong places. Or maybe it's because after all of this time, all of this rejection and all of this wasted effort, I'm just tired of looking.

Being single isn't the end of the world. It's funny because most people think that it is. I feel like people judge me and feel sorry for me because I'm 33 and single. I don't really care. I'm thinking that most people who feel that way are miserably married anyway. There's more to life than being in a relationship.

Interestingly enough,  I do want someone. But after all of the heartache and disappointment, I just don't want to try. Getting rejected time after time takes a toll on a person. And after 16 years of rejection, I've kind of thrown in the towel.

I wish that people would stop asking me if I have a boyfriend. Not because I have an issue with not having a boyfriend, but because I have an issue with other people having an issue with me not having a boyfriend. Who cares if I'm single?!?!?!? Why can't someone just want to be alone? Or at least alone for now? Rrrrr. Go away.

And please stop asking me to try online dating. IT'S DISGUSTING, that's why I don't do it (in my opinion... I do not judge others for dating people online). I'd rather be shot in the head than meet someone on PlentyofFish.com.

I'm fine for now being alone. I wish people could not only understand that, but actually believe that.

Joy

It's amazing what a few dietary changes can do for the system. It's only been 5 days since I started making significant changes to my diet, and I already feel a lot better. I haven't had any back pain, my joints don't feel swollen and I have a good amount of energy. Whoo-hoo!

But sacrifice doesn't come without it's sorrow. I had to give up coffee. WAAAAAAAAH!!!

I miss it a lot. Granted, it's only been a week, but drinking it was reeking havoc on my system, so I had to say goodbye. WAAAAH again.

I also have to stay away from a few other things, but I can handle it (sort of). This whole journey that I have been on concerning my health in the last few years has been really rough, but I'm in a place where I can spend my free time focusing on diet and exercise and really get back into shape. I'm glad that I can finally do this now, and I look forward to getting my old body back. I've truly missed it.

Other than that, life is slowly rolling along. I'm still trying to figure out where I'm going to live in the next 2 months, and I'm still trying to get on my desired career path. And Sam is still Sam. Lots of sleeping, eating and catnip. LOL.

Think more, worry less

This needs to be the prominent theme in my life right now. I worry waaaaaay too much.

Lately, I've been worrying about being a complete and total failure, which ironically even after receiving a Master's degree after 3 years of long, hard work, is how I feel. I know, it's ridiculous to feel that way, but after a string of failed friendships recently and a bit of a fight with one friend, that's how I feel right now.

Actually, I've been feeling that way for the last three months. Not all relationships are meant to last, but the ones that you've had for a long time feel like they shouldn't just up and fall apart, which is what I feel like happened with me. I know I did a few things wrong in these relationships, but it feels like it's not fair that the relationships ended so abruptly and suddenly. It's interesting though because there are many relationships in life that end this way, be it through someone just abruptly walking away or just someone suddenly dying. This kind of thing happens quite often, actually. And it seems so unfair! But it happens.

I don't think I've really dealt with the losses of these recently failed relationships fully. I think I put my feelings on the back burner because I was in school. And now that I'm out, it's all starting to hit me. Perhaps if I just take a second and breathe, I'll feel a little better. I don't know. Time heals all wounds, I guess, and maybe by the end of the year, I'll be in a better place about everything that has happened.

I've been worrying because I keep thinking that I won't make any new friends. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Maybe I shouldn't worry about that (it's kind of hard, since it's in my Virgoan nature to worry). I don't want to be friendless! But I also don't want to be friends with people who aren't worth it or drag out a relationship long after it's due date. Rrrrr. I also don't want to be alone. Rrrrr. But being by yourself isn't that awful, is it?

I just need to think, hence the title of the post. When I think (meaning rationalizing my thoughts with logic, because believe it or not, I don't do that all of the time), I calm down, and I feel better. When I think, I start to realize that it's not the end of the world, and not everything is meant to last. It's hard though.

Think think think... that's my M.O. for the next few months. Maybe I need to put a note up in my car or apartment somewhere to remind myself!

Wish I was here

Ah, if only I could afford to be here right now... girlfriend needs a break.

Marriage is overrated, but I want a husband - someday

For the record, February has been the month from hell for me. I got sick during the first week of the month, then had insomnia for 2 weeks afterwards due to being sick and then I spent most of President's Day weekend cuddled up in a ball or on my couch due to crazy ass cramps and hard core period symptoms. Hopefully, this upcoming weekend will entail a return to energy, sleep and happiness, as the remenants of my cold have almost disappeared and I can go back to sleeping normally again. Fingers crossed.

Anyhoo, there was an article written a week or so ago by writer Tracy McMillan called "Why you aren't married" that has left single women feeling all types of angry (click here to read it). I personally agreed with the article; I think all 6 of those reasons are viable reasons why lots of women in this world are single. Personally, I think that I am a little too selfish and that my standards are a little too high, and maybe that's definitely why I am single. Maybe if I cut out my "must be taller than me, must possess a college degree and must be cute" rules, maybe I would find someone. Oh yeah, and let's not forget "must have good job". Lol.

But the first line states "You want to get married". I took that to mean that this article is addressing those who are single and don't want to be anymore and to those who are truly curious to know why they are single. I felt as though that statement didn't apply to me, and I just read the article for fun. Don't get me wrong - I would like to get married in the future, but not now. I'm happily single (for the most part) at this point in time. So, I don't care what Tracy McMillan thinks, or I'm not going to get all up in arms about what she has written. I just thought that the article was fun to read, and came in handy as a good analyzation tool for some people that I know (ha ha).

However, soooo many women are angry about this article. Click here to read the response article written by Jessica Ravitz on CNN on why she's happily single. I think that she took this article a little too seriously. Of course, most single women are satisfied with their single lives and don't want to get married. Of course a lot of us don't want to settle and will wait for the right guy. And of course, some of us don't want to get married at all. So why get so upset over someone else's opinion of why women are single? It's just an opinion, and Tracy McMillan isn't God. This woman is no complete and total and final authority on singledom (however, I do think she makes some good points, though).

I think that maybe one day I'll find someone and settle down. And if I don't, perhaps it is because I have some of those issues on that list as to why I am single. But I don't care. People can think whatever they want to think and judge me however they want. But I'm ok with being single and I'm not going to go all ape shit over some article that states the possible reasons why. Who cares? Why must women constantly get angry and defend their decision to be alone? Why do we always care what other women (and even men) think?

Maybe a lot of people are angry because secretly deep down inside, we all want to be married or have a man. Even us hard core feminists. Maybe we are tired of being single, tired of being pitied, tired of being a 5th wheel, or just plain tired. I'll admit, I don't like being single. I've been single (without boyfriend) for 15 years. It sucks, and I've always wanted a bf and always wanted to be married. But a good part of me is happy that I'm single. I like my freedom. I like not having to worry about someone else but me (and Sam). I like hearing about my friend's crappy relationships and being thankful that it's them and not me going through that shit (ha ha, I have to laugh a little on that).

But, singledom does get a little lonely though. Boo.

Whatever. Maybe I'll get married in the future, maybe I won't. But for now, I'm happy. Happy to be in grad school, happy to be selfish and picky, and happy to be alone. And truly happy not to care what some lady that I've never met try to define why I'm single and not give a shit what she thinks. I do want to get married in the future and will be sad if I don't. But not getting married isn't going to stop me from being and finding happiness in life, because that's what's truly important.