When will the madness end?

Seriously...

Still waiting, God. It's summer, and I'm missing out on fun in the sun. Can I go to the beach soon?

Love, Randi 

Writing for myself

I figured since only about 2 or 3 people read my blog, this would be a fitting quote for the current state of my writing career which = non-existent.

Like the quote says, I write for myself. And if no one ever reads my ramblings or even my future novel, it's ok :)

Slapped in the face

Yeah, this is how I feel right about now.

Life (and people) tend to do this to us every now again. It sucks. Hard. I'm currently reeling over being slapped in the face earlier today. If I could explain the slapping in question on this blog, I would, but since my livelihood could take a beating, I'll just speak in generalities.

Getting slapped in the face can take a person in two directions - you can let your anger and frustration grow, give the middle finger to the perpetrators/life and go out with a bang, or you can suck it up, push your anger aside, and move positively forward from the crazy.

If only I could act on the former rather than the latter. I'd be like Scarface from Half Baked and do one of these numbers:

Ahhhh. That would be satisfying.

Oh well. All I can do is suck it up and move forward. It'll be hard (and there won't be a bone in my body that won't want to scream obscenities at the perpetrators/life), but I guess I can do it. I have goals I would like to achieve in the future, and perhaps this setback could give me the push that I need to get myself together and start reaching for them. I want to be a full time freelance writer/editor and novelist; I would love to get married and have children; I would like to be thinner and muscular, like I was in my 20's. I can achieve all of those, I think.

I'm still upset by the events of the day. I took some solace in reading a few websites about people who got screwed too (albeit their situations are different than mine), and I realized that I'm not the only one these things happen to, and there could be a light at the end of the tunnel. If you are having a bad day or just want something to read if you are feeling similarly screwed, click here and here.

So... do you have a boyfriend?

Out of all of the questions in life that I hate being asked, this has to be number one. "Do you have a boyfriend?" someone will ask. And then I give the reply that I've been giving EVERYONE since my ex-boyfriend Dominic and I broke up right before high school graduation. "Of course not."

Then, the inevitable questions follow. "Why not?" "Are you dating?" "Why haven't you gone on Match.com?" "When are you going to meet someone?" "Seriously, why are you SINGLE???????"

I could go on and on. Yes, it's true. I haven't had an actual boyfriend since I was 17 years old. I have tried, and tried and tried to put myself out there, look cute, wear heels, and smile for the masses of guys that I have encountered since then. And, of course, the results have always been the same: no boyfriend.

Now, I have dated a few guys. And all of those relationships turned out Disaterous with a capital D. I don't know if it's just bad luck or what, but most of the guys I have liked have had racist parents (forcing them to run away fast in the other direction), were crushing on someone else at the time or liked me and would just simply not ask me out. That last one seems to happen to me the most frequent.

I have had two great loves in my life. I knew that both of these guys really liked me. Even my friends and their friends and their parents and the whole world for that matter knew that both of these guys really liked me. They flirted with me, drove me around in their cars, bought me food, laughed and joked with me... the whole nine yards. Yet they never asked me out. They never wanted me to be their girlfriend. Actually, they both tended to ask me to hang out with them when their girlfriends were "busy" (another story for another day). I guess the only thing that I could be in their book was "the other woman", a thankless title and position that I knew I was better than. Unfortunately, I had to say goodbye as a result. It hurt like hell. And I cried a lot. But I moved on. Sort of.

The best (and longest) relationship I ever had was with a guy named John, who I dated for a few months back in 2005. The relationship lasted 3 months. Yeah. That's how long my relationships last. He was a good guy. A bit of a depressed drunk, but a good guy. We always had good, lively conversations. He bought me 4 martinis once. We both liked to read. And we both liked movies. And that's where the things we had in common stopped. I think he's currently married to the girl he dated right after me. Just my luck.

I've never been lucky in love. Perhaps it's because I'm a black female dating mostly white guys in a world where that's mostly frowned upon. Most guys don't want to deal with the discrimination and rejection that they would have to put up with dating someone who isn't white, or who wouldn't be culturally more accepted, like an Asian or Hispanic woman. Or maybe it's because I'm intimidating. I am smart. I have my own money. I have a Master's degree and a good job. And I don't take crap from anyone, especially a man.

Or maybe it's because I'm looking in the wrong places. Or maybe it's because after all of this time, all of this rejection and all of this wasted effort, I'm just tired of looking.

Being single isn't the end of the world. It's funny because most people think that it is. I feel like people judge me and feel sorry for me because I'm 33 and single. I don't really care. I'm thinking that most people who feel that way are miserably married anyway. There's more to life than being in a relationship.

Interestingly enough,  I do want someone. But after all of the heartache and disappointment, I just don't want to try. Getting rejected time after time takes a toll on a person. And after 16 years of rejection, I've kind of thrown in the towel.

I wish that people would stop asking me if I have a boyfriend. Not because I have an issue with not having a boyfriend, but because I have an issue with other people having an issue with me not having a boyfriend. Who cares if I'm single?!?!?!? Why can't someone just want to be alone? Or at least alone for now? Rrrrr. Go away.

And please stop asking me to try online dating. IT'S DISGUSTING, that's why I don't do it (in my opinion... I do not judge others for dating people online). I'd rather be shot in the head than meet someone on PlentyofFish.com.

I'm fine for now being alone. I wish people could not only understand that, but actually believe that.

Rrrrr

This is pretty much what my car looks like after I got into a car accident this morning. Damage like this usually occurs when dumb-ass people on the Fairfax County Parkway slam on their brakes 24-7, and poor unsuspecting people like me end up hitting the people in front of them. Now granted, perhaps if I was really following the 4 second rule for driving behind someone in the rain, I wouldn't have a damaged car. Perhaps if I had anti-lock brakes, I wouldn't have a damaged car (my brakes locked up and my tires spun, and that's how I hit the person in front of me). Perhaps if I had just left the house 5 minutes earlier.... you get the idea.

Rrrrr. I just get tired of people in this area slamming on their brakes for NO REASON. And yes, they do it for no reason, b/c I can't even tell you how many countless times I've seen people do it on the road. I've seen people do it when the light is green and no one is in front of them! Seriously! It makes no sense. I mean, did everyone take their driving test like I did? It doesn't seem like it.

Fortunately, no one was injured, and it looks as if my car only suffered cosmetic damage. I think that my engine is fine (fingers crossed). I just spent all of my money getting my car fixed last month, so my whole deductible has to go on Mr. Visa card. Yay. And I don't say 'yay' with enthusiasm.

October had been a good month for the most part until today. If anything had been going a little downhill, it would be the fact that I'm really dragging my heels this semester. I still feel a little burned out from the summer (I know, it's been 3 months. You'd think I'd be over it by now). And, my health has been a little back and forth this semester, so that doesn't help much. But I'm hanging in there. Everyday I want to quit school because I'm so tired of going. I just try to remember that it'll be over in 7 months. May 19th can't get here fast enough!

Hope everyone is having a better day/month/whatever than I am.

So far, so good

Unfortunately, the subject of French has been my raison d'etre for the summer so far, but alas, it's going really well. I'm doing really good in class; it looks like I'm going to get an A for the semester (I know, dork). I really like my teacher, and all of the twenty-something year olds in my class aren't so bad. And, I'm learning a lot, so that's good. Yay. Learning.

Other than that, life is rolling along. I've been doing good avoiding the heat this summer (Memorial Day weekend was AWFUL). I've also been spending a lot of time either on homework (which usually takes me 3 hours) or by watching 'Dexter', which is like the GREATEST. SHOW. EVER. I looooooove this show and can't get enough of it! I even had a dream about it the other night (which was really creepy and I had to jolt myself awake). I think that I'm becoming obsessed, lol. Last summer it was a Wii obsession, now it's a Dexter obsession. Ha ha. At least there's a new man in my life for the time being :)

Lots of snow

I'm probably being a buzzkill on some level, but I'm getting tired of all of this snow. Don't get me wrong, I like working from home and all, but all of this snow lately has just been a pain in the ass. I thought that I was going to go into cardiac arrest yesterday after expelling all of my energy on cleaning snow off of my car (which probably says more about my health than anything else). Unfortunately, I didn't have a friendly male neighbor come out and help me, so I was on my own. Thankfully my joints aren't killing me today, but damn! Cleaning off one's car is work!

Anyhoo, I ended up missing class due to the snow, so my first day of school for my film class will be next week. I'm looking forward to this class so much... I hope that it's fun and that I'll get to watch a lot of wonderful British films. I don't know what it is about films like Elizabeth, The Duchess and The Young Victoria, but I have been watching films like these relentlessly over the last 2 months. Maybe I secretly want to be British now, lol? I don't know. All I know is that somehow or another I'm completely fascinated with how the royals lived a long time ago.

Already?

It's been 5 days, I'm already breaking my New Year's resolution to save money. I've been going out every morning and wasting my hard earned cash at Starbucks for breakfast. But the food tastes so good! Ugh. I need to start buying croissants at the store and using my own espresso machine at home, and save my self $6 every morning. Rrrrrr.

Anyhoo, Happy New Year! I still want to get the three things on my list accomplished (listed below), though, even though I'm already floundering a little. I would also like to read more books too, but it seems like every day it's getting harder to tear myself away from my Wii. I love that thing! Right now I'm waiting for a Wii Zapper that I ordered on eBay to arrive so I can play the Goldeneye game I got for X-mas. So I just committed myself to playing my Wii even more now that I'm getting a new gadget for it, even though I'm trying my best to tear myself away from playing it all of the time. Lol.

Oh well. I'll figure out a way to break my Wii's stranglehold on me eventually.